AWay with Words – life and advice from Joan Rivers

Oldies but goodies on dating, sex, love & marriage.

On dating:

  • I’m going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up at me and went, ‘You’re not my wife!’ Another guy DIED during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder—what would he tip? Another guy said, ‘I want you to meet my family,’ and took me to the cemetery.

On sex:

  • I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
  • I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.
  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
  • The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

On love:

  • My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.
  • Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!

On marriage:

  • Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
  • Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.
  • When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years—we were on the freeway at the time.

On gay marriage:

  • Gay marriage—I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

The End

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