I’ve been warned.
How after someone very close to you passes, where you’re first in mourning, then experiencing major grief, after a certain time period you suddenly begin to get a bit stronger, then you reach a low point. Then you’re okay again, then you’re not. Kind of like riding a wave. It’s happening. An ebb and a flow. High tide and low tide. I suppose lack of sleep and sometimes not eating properly doesn’t help the situation.
I know what I’m supposed to do. Just go with the flow and ride it out, hoping for the time when the memories will become pleasant instead of painful. Actually they’re not really painful because most are joyful, but it’s in the joyfulness of remembering what was good that brings on sadness if that makes sense. For me it’s the physical loss of the person who’s no longer here for himself, not just for me. It’s his loss even more so than mine. What hurts most is the person having lost the fight and having lost hope. It seems in the end you never really know the truth. Whether they came to terms and finally let go with acceptance. As for the rest of us, we have to continue to live our lives. That’s where I’m at.
It may also have something to do with yesterday, sitting for hours finally clearing out a locker space filled to the brim with stuff I haven’t seen in many years. In an over-heated room no less. And sorting into 3 almost equal piles, suitcases and boxes filled with clothing, equipment, photos, etc. 1)keepers 2)salvation army 3)dumpster. And who keeps every single report card they ever had? It went into the “keeper” pile (just in case one day I want to remember how well (or not) I did in math in Grade 3). And re-discovering a photo album with amazing memories from Egypt & Israel then going home and turning on the news only to be shocked and saddened about the senseless killings in Egypt. Which puts everything into perspective.
So after a restless night of a little doggy waking me up 3 times to go out (at least she woke me; smart girl – better than the alternative) I have not been able to get back to sleep. And I couldn’t make up my mind what to eat for dinner and didn’t feel like cooking or even seeing anyone. So I ended up going to my favorite cheese shop and getting the grab-bag (they choose for you), then my favorite pastry shop and getting a fresh baked baguette (white bread, no less), and a little pumpkin pie and on the way home stopping at yet another local place for homemade cookies. I chose 3 kinds – heart shaped jam filled, chocolate/marzipan + coconut macaroon. I don’t feel too guilty cause due to no effort of my own I lost 6 lbs. without even trying. Although for health reasons I don’t intend to make a habit out of this. So if I gain 3 back tonight so what.
On my way home, feeling like I could use a little therapy, I stopped by the local wine shop for a sampling of a wine called “therapy”. After 4 sips (from 4 different bottles) I could already feel it. No more for me.
I realize this is a “self-care” post. So I don’t know if my message is clear or if I even have a message. If there is one, it’s just that sometimes you just have to give in to what is and not question why. Sometimes self-care is doing what feels right, right at the moment.
After all, tomorrow is another day, godammit.