GOD’s Top 10 New Years Resolutions

Author and humorist, James Napoli, recently interviewed GOD.

“Hi, everyone, it’s me, God. Hey, I’m just like anyone else. I feel the need to take stock of things as we bid farewell to the year just passed and usher in the year ahead. I hope you will find some inspiration in knowing that I have issues, the same as all of you, and that I, too, resolve to make some changes and take up some self-improvement over the next 365 days. Which of these resolutions I break remains to be seen, but if you came up with ten, what do you think your success rate would be? Have a wonderful year, my people!”

Here are GOD’s top 10 New Years Resolutions: 

1. Get on Instagram:  god Can you mere mortals even conceive of the jaw-dropping photographic images I can create whenever I bloody well feel like it? And I’ve got artsy filters you can only dream about. Facebook is going to want a piece of these soul-stirring shots, so move over, shutterbugs. Oh, and if it’s any incentive, I will endeavor to respond personally to every comment you post.                       

2. Start a Viral Dance Craze:goddance It was pretty inspiring when the Gangnam Style dude knocked Justin Bieber off the top of YouTube’s most-viewed videos list. So, I figure if anyone can arrange to get a billion hits, it’s me. Still working out what to call this one, though. Maybe RodnStaff Skank or GodGod Style. Either way, the back up dancers, as you can see, are killer.

3. Update My Privacy Settings:  I need to start taking care of myself and not be available every time you petition me with some half-baked demand. Of course, as bad as it is to be hassled with friend requests, what’s even worse is all these nut jobs posting to my wall.

4. Get Off The Anti-Depressants:  I remember when my shrink first prescribed these things. It felt like the perfect way to even out my thinking after countless years of dealing with the stress of controlling your sad little lives every day. Now who’s got the sad little life? This year, no more selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors for this deity, I can promise you that.

5. Make An Amends:  god1You think you have it tough going back over your history and seeing who you might have pissed off? It’s a good thing eternity means nothing to me, because I’m going to need it.

6. Reconsider Free Will:  I just never know what you whack jobs are going to do with it.

7. Retire ‘OMG’: godomgThe fact is, you lazy, slothful humans, with just four more letters you could return this acronym to all the glory of its original full-length phrase. I don’t like to make threats (transcribed evidence to the contrary), but if you don’t put the ‘God’ back in ‘OMG’ real soon, you will be SOL.

8. Win an Oscar:  godoscarGiven how your stewardship of the planet has made it especially easy to futz around with the weather, I feel I have been unjustly overlooked for Outstanding Achievement in Special Effects for way too long now. And as a Supporting Actor (Or actress, I’m not telling), you have to admit my presence (or lack thereof, depending on your predilections) has played a pretty significant role in the movie of your sinful little life

9. Start Some New End-Of-The-World Rumors:  From what I saw of how you reacted to the predictions of my Mayan friends, you people seem to need some kind of Sword of Damocles hanging over your morbid little heads. And God knows (LOL) there are tons of other ancient calendars out there. So, just to make sure we get a little mileage out of this, I’m saying the Apocalypse will hit next on June 8, 2017. See you then!

10. Stop Helping Sports Teams Win:  This has gone on long enough, ladies and gentlemen. You’re always giving me a shout-out whenever you make a touchdown or score a free throw. Sure, every once in a while I happen to be floating by and I decide to give you a leg-up, but most of the time I have a lot more important things to do than make sure you open a can of whoop ass on the competition. From now on, you’re on your own.

Well there you have it straight from the man himself.  Whatever you do for God’s sake make it a good & prosperous New Year!