Here are some
okay lots of my favorite quotes from Comedian Chelsea Handler.
Disclaimer: If you’re not okay with politically incorrect maybe end it right here. I just saw her perform live in Seattle and while I don’t enjoy crudeness in general, when it comes from her it just seems so natural and acceptable and the lines become blurred between right and wrong.
It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, “I’m a very good friend.— Chelsea Handler
“I went to Africa because I wanted to know where rappers come from.” – Chelsea Handler, “Uganda be Kidding me.”
“I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic‘. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.” ― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea
“Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?”
“I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I’ve met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don’t know it yet. I do know, because I’m me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don’t want to have kids, and it’s not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.”
Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
“You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”
“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”
“I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I sat staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and forth to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, ‘When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
“Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. “Fun for who?” I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”
“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.” ― Chelsea Handler, Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me
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